Thursday, January 29, 2015

Mad love

I’m discovering how scary it is to love someone so much.

In addition to having an easy pregnancy, a good birth experience, and a relatively smooth hazing with a newborn, I was largely immune to postpartum hormone surges. I had small moments. I got verklempt. I’d look at Parker and smile through tears but they were misty-happy tears. I never felt majorly emotional and definitely not depressed. In other words, I’ve been lucky.

But last night, I couldn’t stop sobbing. Big, snotty tears for hours. I have just two weeks of maternity leave left. Suddenly, these vast months of being at home with no outside obligations, just me and my girl cuddled on the couch, lounging on the floor, dancing to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (one of my recurring emotional moments is the line from “Hysterics”: Flow sweetly, hang heavy /You suddenly complete me /You suddenly complete me” My throat aches just typing that), will, poof, be over. Never to be again. 
 Four glorious months of being with this little creature 24/7, her protector and provider. She, my reason for being. Watching her belly swell and her legs form delicious rolls. Seeing her smile and hearing her coo. Seeing her eyes light up in recognition of my or Andrew’s face. Kissing her fuzzy little head. Feeling her insanely soft cheeks. Squeezing those thighs and tickling her knees. Watching her lips pucker when she concentrates and her legs kick when she gets excited. She’s the best.

I don’t want this to be over. As cut off from the world as I’ve been, as physically and culturally stunted, as challenging as daily tasks could be, this time with Parker has been nothing short of magic. It makes me sad that it will be no more. She is just such an incredible little girl. So sweet and fun. Curious and cheeky. It seriously scares me how much I love her. But I guess it’s a good fear to have…


  1. Amy what a beautiful post! How lucky you are to have had this time with Parker, how hard it must be that this is ending. Bon courage ma chère! And yes, it's the best kind of fear to have :)

  2. Like many others, I know what you mean. But at the same time, I don't. I know the mad love part, I didn't go back to work so that part is unknown to me but I do know that the first time I ever left him with a babysitter, we drove to the end of the block and sat and watched the house for a long time, had a super fast short dinner and raced home .
    I can't imagine any mother not wanting to be home with their infant .. jeez, I want to be home with Parker !
    I can think of no comforting words, unless I were able to say, You won the lottery, you get to quit work :) I guess like everything else in life, you and Parker will adjust. but I know, it sucks.
    Love you, love Parker. ( I really should hire myself out as Parkers Nanny)

  3. I certainly agree to some points that you have discussed on this post. I appreciate that you have shared some reliable tips on this review.

  4. Think of going back to work as being a role model to Parker (& other girls). Showing her that not only are you her everything but also a passionate & successful woman that does what she loves for a living & is able to provide financially for herself & her family. That last picture of her is beyond & Parker will find the perfect balance :)

  5. I wish I could be there to insure you that it's going to be OK. Yes, its going to feel terribly out of balance because it is. And, yes, you will most likely find yourself crying every Monday morning when its time to leave your nest and go back to work leaving Parker in the care of another. It's really hard—terribly hard in fact but its part of your family's story and believe it or not you are setting any excellent example for your little girl. You and Andrew will be her working parent role models. One day when she has to do it, she will be able to pull up memories of how gracefully you juggled being a working mama and she'll know she can do it.
    Parker is lucky to have you as her mama. Your love is tremendous. It will protect, guide and nourish her.
    Big hug!

  6. Merci, mes amis. I really appreciate your thoughts and encouragement. It's comforting to be heard and understood and I hadn't thought of the role model angle, which, I agree, is a great thing. It's also just one of those painful passages. I knew it would suck, and now it is just sucking! But we will get through it. Parker has brought us so much happiness, glee, pride and love, and I am so grateful for it. xoxo

  7. I know exactly how you are feeling, I go back in 4 weeks time and I'm dreading it. During the day I feel ok about it, but at night I keep panicking about it. You are not the only one feeling like this. Please let us know how you get on, sending lots of love xx

  8. I guess following the cat's mellow adjustment could be the way to go...
    Love those little feet resting on cat's tum.

  9. mad love. so beautiful and heartbreaking and joyous all at the same time.

    lovely to recognize the transition and the incredibleness of it all.


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