Saturday, December 20, 2014

Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter... (mine for Parker, too)

One of the benefits of being a housebound, breastfeeding new mom is that you're parked on the couch a lot. Ideally, this would mean marathon sessions of Sex and the City or reading all those classics you always swore you would if only you had the time. But the breastfeeding/newborn care thing means that, while I have the time, I don't have the attention span or ability to dig into complex plots or Russian names. So light reading has been in order.

One of the books I read is Tina Fey's Bossypants, which made me laugh out loud, especially toward the end, when she was delving into motherhood. I especially loved her chapter about breastfeeding and all the "Teat Nazis" who make you feel less than if you're not gleefully breastfeeding until your child is two-years-old. But this little prayer for her daughter is pretty awesome, too:


First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.
 
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock N’ Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
 
Lead her away from acting but not all the way to finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, dammit.
 
May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need  not lie with drummers.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. 

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short — a tiger flower blooming magenta for one day – and adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
 
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
 
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that shit. I will not have it.
 
And should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.


66 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. DR EMU YOU ARE REALLY GREAT. I WILL KEEP COMING TO YOU WHEN EVER I NEED YOUR HELP.
      WEBSITE: HTTPS://EMUTEMPLE.WORDPRESS.COM 
      WHATS APP: +2347012841542

      I want to thank DR EMU for the wonderful work he done for me and my family, i was having a serious breakup with my ex but when i contacted him for help he brought him back to me with his historical powers, and also helping me to get a job, since he cast his spell for me things has really be good to me and since i know him my husband has been faithful to me, well i will say that this man is a really great spell caster that every one must contact for help, if you are facing breakup or marriage problem just contact this man for help he will help you settle everything with his power, please contact him on his email: emutemple@gmail.com once you contact him all your problems will be solve.

      Delete
  2. This prayer is going into my file labelled "words" to be retrieved if / when my daughter becomes a mother. Brilliant. Thank-you

    ReplyDelete
  3. With a 15 year old who just gave herself a cartilage piercing, that "no tattoos" bit is suddenly very real. Parker's a real cutie. Remember this when she's 15!

    ReplyDelete
  4. That is an extremely smart written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and return to learn extra of your useful information. Thank you for the post. I will certainly return.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great Post bro. Your prayer gonna bring new blessings to you.
    salle de sport

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. ما هي خدمة صيانة وايت ويل
    ؟!
    يقدم مركز صيانة وايت ويل
    ويل لخدمات صيانة وايت ويل
    خدمات الصيانة والإصلاح والتشخيصات لكل انواع أجهزة وايت ويل ، وهي تضمن لكم تقديم خدمات على أعلى مستوى بأسعار معقولة، الفنيون الذين يعملون في مركز صيانة وايت ويل مدربون على أحدث التقنيات ولديهم أحدث المعدات التشخيصية لتحديد أية أخطاء موجودة بأجهزة وايت ويل بأسرع وأدق درجة ممكنة ، قطع الغيار التى يتم استبدالها ستكون على نفس الدرجة من الجودة تماما مثل الأجزاء الأصلية التي كانت موجودة بجهاز وايت ويل ، تعمل شبكة توكيل وايت ويل لخدمات صيانة وايت ويل طبقا للمعايير المهنية وايت ويل لخدمات صيانة وايت ويل
    ، تم الحصول على موافقة معايير حمايةوخدمة المستهلك The Consumer Codes Approval التي تديرها معهد المعايير التجارية Trading Standards Institute على المعايير المهنية الخاصة بمراكز صيانة وايت ويل لحدمات صيانة أجهزة وايت ويل ، هذا التعهد تجاه العميل يمنحك راحة البال بعلمك بأنك لن تحصل فقط على أفضل خدمة فنية، وإنما أفضل خدمة عملاء أيضا، بتكلفة أقل مع أعلى معايير الخدمات الفنية وخدمة العملاء، لم لا تتصل إذن بمركز صيانة وايت ويل لخدمات صيانة أجهزة وايت ويل ؟

    صيانة جولدي
    صيانة سيمنس
    رقم تسويق الكتروني
    صيانة الاسكا
    صيانة سيمنس
    صيانة توشيبا
    صيانة دايو

    ReplyDelete
  10. تسليك مجاري بالجبيل
    تعمل شركة تسليك مجاري بالجبيل عر تقديم خدماتها المتميزة بسعر رائع بحيث يكون في متناول كافة عملاء جدة، وفي أي مكان يريدون الحصول على خدمة تسليك المجاري وشفط البيارات، حيث أن الشركة تحرص على أن يكون السعر رخيص، والحرص على تقديم تخفيضات وخصومات رائعة، ونحرص على توفيرها للعملاء الكرام.

    ReplyDelete

  11. شركه عزل فوم بالرياض
    أيضاً تسبب في سقوط الطلاء وظهور التشققات، ولكن من الآن لا داعي
    للقلق لأن شركة عزل أسطح تقدم لعملائها الكرام في كافة أنحاء المملكة العربية السعودية .
    افضل شركة عزل أسطح

    شركه تنظيف مكيفات بالرياض
    شركه عزل فوم بالدمام

    شركه عزل اسطح بالدمام

    شركه عزل فوم بالقطيف

    شركه عزل فوم بالاحساء

    شركه عزل فوم بالجبيل

    ReplyDelete
  12. شركه مكافحه حشرات بالرياض https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d9%85%d9%83%d8%a7%d9%81%d8%ad%d8%a9-%d8%ad%d8%b4%d8%b1%d8%a7%d8%aa-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/

    https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d8%aa%d9%86%d8%b8%d9%8a%d9%81-%d9%85%d9%86%d8%a7%d8%b2%d9%84-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/


    شركه غسيل مكيفات بالرياض https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d8%ba%d8%b3%d9%8a%d9%84-%d9%88%d8%b5%d9%8a%d8%a7%d9%86%d8%a9-%d9%85%d9%83%d9%8a%d9%81%d8%a7%d8%aa-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/


    شركه نقل اثاث بالرياض
    شركه نقل عفش بالرياض https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d9%86%d9%82%d9%84-%d8%a7%d8%ab%d8%a7%d8%ab-%d9%88%d8%b9%d9%81%d8%b4-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/


    شركه تنظيف خزانات بالرياص https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d8%aa%d9%86%d8%b8%d9%8a%d9%81-%d8%ae%d8%b2%d8%a7%d9%86%d8%a7%d8%aa-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/




    شركه تنظيف مجالس بالرياض
    تنظيف مجالس بالرياض https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d8%aa%d9%86%d8%b8%d9%8a%d9%81-%d9%85%d8%ac%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b3-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/


    شركه تسليك مجاري بالرياض
    https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d8%aa%d8%b3%d9%84%d9%8a%d9%83-%d9%85%d8%ac%d8%a7%d8%b1%d9%8a-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/



    شركه تنظيف بالرياض
    https://www.houses-gulf.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d9%83%d8%b4%d9%81-%d8%aa%d8%b3%d8%b1%d8%a8%d8%a7%d8%aa-%d8%a7%d9%84%d9%85%d9%8a%d8%a7%d9%87-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nazre Karam Mujh Par Itna Na Kar,
    Ki Teri Mohabbat Ke Liye Baagi Ho Jaaun, …. Play Bazaar Mujhe Itna Na Pila Ishq-E-Jaam Ki, Satta King Main Ishq Ke Jahar Ka Aadi Ho Jaaun.

    ReplyDelete
  14. بموقع مؤسسة الحرمــين فخدماتنا ليس لها بديل واسعارنا ليس لها مثيل ،ولدينا فريق عمل يتصل مع العملاء على جسور الثقه
    شركه تنظيف منازل بالجبيل
    والصدق والامانه فى العمل ، وهدفنا هو ارضاؤك وراحتك ، لا تقلق ونحن معك

    شركه عزل فوم بالجبيل
    لا تجهد نفسك ونحن تحت امرك ورهن اشارتك .
    أبرز خدمات مؤسسة الحرمــين للمقاولات العامة بالدمام والرياض

    شركه عزل فوم بالدمام


    شركه عزل اسطح بالاحساء

    شركه كشف تسربات المياه بالاحساء


    ReplyDelete
  15. DR EMU YOU ARE REALLY GREAT. I WILL KEEP COMING TO YOU WHEN EVER I NEED YOUR HELP.
    WEBSITE: HTTPS://EMUTEMPLE.WORDPRESS.COM 
    WHATS APP: +2347012841542

    I want to thank DR EMU for the wonderful work he done for me and my family, i was having a serious breakup with my ex but when i contacted him for help he brought him back to me with his historical powers, and also helping me to get a job, since he cast his spell for me things has really be good to me and since i know him my husband has been faithful to me, well i will say that this man is a really great spell caster that every one must contact for help, if you are facing breakup or marriage problem just contact this man for help he will help you settle everything with his power, please contact him on his email: emutemple@gmail.com once you contact him all your problems will be solve.

    ReplyDelete
  16. افضل شركات نقل العفش مع الفك وتركيب والتغليف بافضل الخامات بالاضافة الى تعقيم الاثاث والسيارات المجهزة لنقل العفش من خلال شركة انوار الحرمين المتميزة فى هذا المجال من سنوات طويلة اكسبتها الخبرة والمصداقية
    اهم الخدمات التى تقدمها شركة انوار الحرمين فى مجالات نقل العفش

    شركة نقل عفش بالرياض

    شركة نقل عفش بالطائف

    شركة نقل عفش بتبوك

    شركة نقل عفش بجازان

    شركة نقل عفش بخميس مشيط

    شركة نقل عفش بحفر الباطن

    شركة نقل عفش بالجبيل

    شركة نقل عفش بالاحساء

    شركة نقل عفش بالخبر

    ReplyDelete

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